watching tv is so damn WEIRD. the shit they have on... i really don't want to begin, especially since i have no room to be talking (the worst reality shows are my guilty pleasure).

time to leave the state. solar system.

Time? juuuust kidding. no such thing as time, right?

I can't focus on anything at the moment, not even this enough to finish it

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When I was younger, I wanted so badly for someone to see what was going on with me without me having to admit to everything. I wanted help but I really just wanted to be given medication for it and to make all the problems go away. I have a lump in my throat right now and can't stop crying. Nothing has changed or improved really; instead, I dig my hole deeper. I have effectively ruined my schooling - something that mattered a hell of a lot more to me in the past. I worked my ass off in high school to be able to go to college and not have to pay too much. I've lost all my scholarships and now I'm facing suspension.

I would say that the dxm has definitely influenced me to act out more but it's like damn, these problems have been here all along. I used to act out quite a bit when I was younger but began smoking weed to kind of sedate myself. Increasingly, I just kept to myself because I felt very alienated and as though I could not be understood. I was ashamed and still am ashamed of how I feel because I don't understand it. I don't know what is wrong with me. All these treatments for "depression" that I've gone through don't seem to work. I don't think I'm simply depressed because sometimes I am extremely happy, even euphoric, and this can last quite some time. It also happens around the same time every year - when it starts getting warmer out. I need to talk to someone.

(no subject)

I had my first (that I can recall) lucid dream ever today! Not only that but when I woke up and then fell asleep again, I kept returning to it. I'm really excited.

I think on Monday I'm going to try and set up a counseling appointment. I feel so torn... cos it's like I made this decision to deal with my problems on my own and to think through everything when I'm having issues. Sometimes it becomes too much though and I can't understand ANYTHING. I definitely need to quit using drugs regularly because it is hard to tell what is wrong with me naturally vs. what the drugs are causing to happen to me.

I started smoking weed on a regular basis almost 5 years ago. Previous to smoking weed, I had some serious anger issues and was very suicidal. I'm worried this will happen again and I'm not sure what to do. I do need some help but don't know where to go and I'm afraid to see a counselor or a psychiatrist because I need someone who I feel is more intelligent than me. I know that's a shitty thing to say because I try not to be narcissistic but I need someone who can understand what I am saying and prove to me that they know what I'm talking about but also know more and know better, more importantly.

When I am depressed, I cannot commit to see a counselor. When I am manic, I make the appointments but it never lasts long because I see a bit of progress and then am like, "well I can handle things now. This is a waste of my time!"

(no subject)

change of heart already...

I looked at my past two entries and decided that's a bad way to be. I go through phases of having like 10 different emotions a day. Maybe that's normal, who knows.

(no subject)

There is something wrong with me. I want to fix myself but don't know where to start. I am not even completely sure what the problem is.

I have been SO impulsive lately. I've laid off the dxm and have just been smoking weed and drinking beers. I've been manic as fuck though.

I really need to stay inside and read all day. Things are fine when I live like a hermit. When I go out, I end up getting drunk as fuck and being ridiculous.

I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I don't know what reality is or how to reintegrate myself into society. I'm a bit fucking wacky or some shit. need 2 sleeeeeeeeeeep now

(no subject)

I slept for so long last night. I plopped into my bed and then arose about ten hours later.

Nothing seems very good to me right now but I can't think of anything better than this. I was told today I couldn't burn incense anymore and I feel kind of defeated by that. Usually when I burn them, the smells makes me so nostalgic that I feel happy.

I have not been happy for a long time and probably will not be either. The court stuff wears me down but I try to ignore it. I'm really sick of life and don't think anything will ever change enough to make much of a difference to me. I continually appear to be worthless in the eyes of others and myself.

I think I have something wrong with me but I can barely understand it. I have a lot of disdain for other people. I'm friendly, yeah, but people wear me out so much. I can handle friendships (although I am not even great with them because I sometimes disappear for days) but relationships... I've tried to give intimate relationships with others a chance and I am honestly disgusted. I think I'm regressing back to being a young teenager, when I was extremely cynical and misanthropic. Back then it was because I hadn't experienced what the world (and people) had to offer. Now I have, and yet it seems to be the best reaction to having been through this stupid shit. I make poor choices repeatedly and have a hard time understanding why I make them. I am book smart but have no "common sense." My politeness attracts the wrong kind of people.

On top of that, I have a hard time getting attached to other people. I can really only think of one person I feel particularly attached to - my youngest sister. Any harm done to her is like harm done to myself tenfold and with a feeling of having been morally insulted on top of it.

I don't care if I rot in jail.
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